Anagram Day

Riddle The Self – Reveal The Self

Reversing Effect & Cause – INTERACTIVE Video

Posted by Amanda Gray on March 22, 2013

Here’s my latest video creation – an INTERACTIVE video.  YOU choose how you want the story to go!

I began with an interest in exploring cause and effect ideas from A Course in Miracles.  It was, simply, the topic that was showing up with the inspiration for a film.  I also wanted the project to be light, fun and easy to video.  The interactive aspect arose because I’ve always loved old school text adventure games, like Zork, and  the next generation graphic interface games, such as Myst.  For EVER, I’ve wanted to create something along those lines.

In my last post, I said that the project encompassed more sides of my abilities than I ever thought possible.   The plot, acting, filming, editing… sure… but then, as the simple 4 part story expanded to 22 parts (ACK!), I referred to my past programming experience to flow chart the scenes.  It’s been a long time since I put on my programmers thinking cap!  But it was SO MUCH FUN!  I forgot how much I love solving logic problems!

I don’t claim to have ‘figured out’ the ACIM passages I contemplated for the film.  I looked long and hard at:

  • Chapter 2: The Separation and the Atonement, VII. Cause and Effect, and
  • Chapter 28: the Undoing of Fear, II. Reversing Effect and Cause

I got a few extra tips from David Hoffmeister and Adyashanti along the way too.  (I love how the dream witnesses to whatever’s bouncing around in consciousness.  It was apropos for the project, that’s for sure!)

As far as I can understand the theory:  the ego view is that there’s something that happens out in the world that’s interpreted as a ’cause’, and then a correlating reaction – emotions, thoughts, etc. –  that would be the ‘effect’.  Reversing the ego viewpoint for the Holy Spirit view would recognize the ’cause’ as the MIND (fear thoughts or love thoughts) and the ‘effect’ as the witness (to fear or love) that’s projected out to the world.   So this is the understanding I worked with in the film.

The Course also says:

Actually, ‘Cause’ is a term properly belonging to God, and His ‘Effect’ is His Son. 

This is, currently, outside of my experience.  I include this quote in the film, because it’s such a clear, absolute statement, and somewhat startling to the ego, but I doubt one could develop much of a story around it.   That, or it would be a very different film from the one I made.  Haha!

So, here it is!  Click the link below, watch, click your choices in each section, and enjoy the journey!  (And keep an eye out for the hidden Easter egg too!)

Oh, one other thing – you can’t use the links from your tablet or phone – they only work on your PC or laptop. Sorry!

http://youtu.be/bHJe0IXS9Yw

mqdefault

Posted in Creative Expression, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , | Comments Off

Inspiration

Posted by Amanda Gray on March 11, 2013

Where does inspiration come from?

Have you ever thought to ask?

Yesterday, I rearranged a few things in the store where I work.  Inspiration struck me an hour before the end of my shift, and even as I finished the arrangement, I knew the idea wasn’t entirely complete.  Perhaps my co-worker would add to it and make it better.  Or perhaps we could discuss the idea the next day and discover where to go with it.  Yet, as I walked home, I felt that it was more likely the changes would be disapproved and my work would be changed back.  It was just a question of how long it would take.

This morning I arrived for my shift and it was already reversed.  My idea didn’t even live a day before it was killed!  Squashed like a bug before it even had a chance to breathe!  AAARGH!

It was funny, because I knew it would happen.  Yet, at the same time, I was angry and hurt.  I blamed my co-worker.  I wanted to point out how, regularly, I’d compliment her ideas, and even when I didn’t entirely appreciate her contribution, I wouldn’t consider invalidating her creativity by (how RUDE!) reversing her work!  Still, as a student of A Course in Miracles, I eventually opened my mind and asked to see the situation differently.

Since it was an ‘idea’ that I thought was rejected, I asked, is the idea MINE?  Do I POSSESS this thing called an ‘idea’?  Where did the idea come from?  Did I make it?  The idea came from inspiration… where does ‘inspiration’ come from?  Did I make that?

I had to laugh.  No, of course I don’t make inspiration.  God makes inspiration.  That’s why God is Cause and why I’m an effect.  I receive inspiration and act on it.  Is it up to me what happens after I act on an inspiration?  Does it matter if my co-worker dislikes it?  Is it up to me what the outcome is?  Do I know what God planned when the inspiration was given?  Do I think I’m ‘specially’ valued by God (the Authority) when an inspiration is bestowed upon me?  Do I think I’m devalued if a ‘special’ inspiration is bestowed upon someone else?

By invalidating my idea, I felt that my co-worker was invalidating ‘me’.  That I’m not welcome to participate in the store and that she doesn’t care about me.   Hmmm… this thought of “others not caring about me” has been a common theme lately, particularly when it’s an ‘authority’ (she’s an elder) who doesn’t seem to care.

If I want an authority figure to care, what I really want is for the ultimate Authority, God, to care.  And to SHOW me He cares.  How?  By treating me SPECIAL.  I want to be loved SPECIALLY.  Could an all loving God love anyone SPECIALLY?   My studies say that God loves all EQUALLY.   Yet my mind – being what the personal mind is, swinging always between extremes – thinks, “Well, if You won’t love me specially, then I must be totally unlovable.”

… and thus, I create a witness to my belief who will treat me carelessly (my co-worker).  So I can justify my unlovable belief and be RIGHT.  So I can make someone else the bad guy.  What?  Who me?  No, I didn’t think of myself as unlovable – it was HER!

The co-worker’s rejection of my idea, as a rejection of ‘me’, is much like how I’ve rejected my Self.  Specifically, the parts of my Self that I don’t like… like ideas I’ve had in the past that were BAD ideas.  Am I an idea?  How can I expect to be a whole, lovable being, if I’m constantly dividing myself into parts!?  This part’s good, and lovable, but this part’s bad, and unlovable.  Geesh!  Nuts!

Also, if I think others aren’t caring about me, am I caring about them?  Is one lovable, while another one isn’t?  Is one only lovable when they do something particular to show me they’re worthy of my appreciation?  By what standard do I judge that?

These are important questions.

Posted in Creative Expression | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off

Three Miracles

Posted by Amanda Gray on March 8, 2013

While I’m still experiencing a general malaise toward creative writing, inspiration is still full blast for making short videos. I collaborated with a local band to create a music video, which then spawned three full versions, as I experimented with my new editing program, Sony Vegas. It’s about a light years advantage over the Win XP Movie Maker I was using before! I took some film at my birthday party in October and created a promo for the restaurant. And, recently, as I reviewed my last video blog, posted here about a year ago; and attempted to make another, which turned out poorly; I was inspired with a little story that I could easily perform and film myself. I dressed up, arranged scenes, filmed for a day, and now I’m into the, rather complex, edit, which is proving a delightful challenge! I look forward to posting the finished product here soon. Wait ’til you see! The project uses SO many of my skills and interests – I truly never imagined they could be combined into such a perfect package of unlimited JOY!

Today, I’m inspired to share three experiences from my visit to San Francisco at the end of November 2012. They were three lovely little miracles!

1) On my first day in San Francisco, I left my hostel at Fort Mason and wandered down to Fisherman’s Wharf. It was such a beautiful, sunny day and there were endless moments to capture on my new handycam. Golden Gate Bridge and Alcatraz Island were in the distance, and boats and swimmers were in the foreground. As I travelled along the waters edge, looking for my next vision of loveliness to put on film, I heard quick footsteps behind me. A thought came up in my mind, “He’s going to snatch my bag off my shoulder.” I turned quickly and looked the man full in the eye. “You better not be thinking what I think you’re thinking,” I chastised him in thought alone. He stopped suddenly and his face widened with shock. I’d evidently caught him at something. There was a short, narrow cement wall along the sidewalk near him, and he sat down, like a little boy who’s just been smacked. I paused, with my hand shading my eyes, pretending to look over the water, but keeping an eye on him, and thinking, “No, no punishment. I don’t need to punish you.” After a moment, the man stood up. I knew that all notions of theft had left him, and he simply passed behind me and carried on up the hill.

What’s especially interesting about this experience is that it confirms a specific lesson for me. Throughout my life, I had a terrible fear of danger coming up from behind. It was a common theme when I was at the monastery in Utah: mice attacking from behind my head, curtains being bumped into me by the wind, a bee stinging the back of my neck, etc. For me, it was like death was always lurking behind my right shoulder. At one point, I realized that even though I believed that my vision was limited by a body – with a front and a back, and one side of which is unprotected and vulnerable – spirit could NOT be limited this way. This incident proved that spirit could, indeed, watch my back. Wow!

2) The next day, when I left the hostel at Fort Mason, I encountered another man on the street. This guy was old and dirty, and loud and shouting. As I passed him, he said something derogatory about tourists. I paid him no mind. As I got to the bus stop, about 15 yards away, I turned my luggage to face him. Although his shouting did make me feel intimidated, I thought, “I’m not afraid of you.” My energy became defensive. “No,” I told myself, “Not to defend. Not to challenge him. But to be peaceful with him.” And so, then I was. A young man pulled up on my left side. He had a bicycle like mine at home, so I struck up a conversation with him. All the while, the loud street person was coming closer, trying to demand our attention. Some buses arrived on the street to my right, and one of them was mine. It was at that point that I noticed the street person had gotten quite close and I had to pass him directly to board the bus. Yet, I was completely unfazed – still totally secure and unafraid. Without incident, I boarded my bus, sat at the front, and watched placidly as the man shouted at me from behind the closed door.

A few days later, at the Adyashanti Retreat at Asilomar, Adya talked about a Buddhist deity called Manjushri. With a delicate hand, Manjushri wields a

Buddhist Deity, Manjushri

fiery sword of truth and cuts illusion clean away. This was the perfect description of my experience with the man on Fisherman’s Wharf and the man at the bus stop. What beautiful miracles provided to heal a couple of my most basic fears!

3) After the Adya retreat, I met a fellow that I only knew from Facebook. Ben struck me as an “enlightened” type, so I trusted, as I made arrangements to meet him, that it was by divine appointment. And it sure was! I expected, at first, because I was a dim-witted tourist, that he would travel downtown to meet me, but he defined such careful directions to Berkely, I decided on the adventure to get to his neighborhood.

First, I was misdirected by the clerk at the hostel, who said it would only take about 10 minutes on the BART. Wrong, because it was a weekend. Anyway, as I contemplated the system map at Powell station, a lovely girl, named Irene, asked where I wanted to go. She told me that I’d have to change trains to get to Berkely, but that she could show me where because she was going to the same stop. We travelled together and chatted. She even walked me all the way to my meeting place. By this time, I was more than 25 minutes late and was worried that my friend would already have given up on me. But he was there! (Late, himself too, as I found out later.)

“Bye, Irene. Thank you!” I waved, as my sweet BART gift carried on to her yoga class.

Ben and I fell right into step, electric essays filling the air between us as we strolled around Berkely. Honestly, I remember very little of the neighborhood because I was so engrossed in our exchange. We had smoothies and encountered a friendly squirrel. We met friends of his, shared an umbrella as we shared philosophy, and walked innumerable blocks. Eventually, we sat at a pizza place and shared a mushroom pizza. Our conversation slowed. I felt slightly awkward then, and breathless. I searched for something to say… but he tapped my hands on the outer edge of the table, “Stay with me,” he urged. My mind was tilting at an odd angle, but I righted it, and then stayed. Still. …and then gentle laughter bubbled up from within. His face filled with delight! We stayed together like that for a while, laughing and looking at this new, open place in our mind.

“It’s not even ‘nothing’,” I noticed.

He exclaimed, “Yes! Music to my ears!!”

“It’s just the laughter.”

On our way back to Berkely station, a blind woman asked us to help her cross the street. Ben took one side and I took the other. It was like the greatest joy in my life to be with that woman crossing the street in that moment. She thanked us for helping her and Ben thanked her for asking us to help.

As she carried on, I laughed and hugged Ben, “That’s IT too!” I cried, “It’s SO wonderful! Thank you!”

“Well, you did it.”

“Yeah. I guess I did.”

By divine appointment. Indeed. I now call it our “Mystic Pizza” moment. Wonderous, even as I remember.

God bless you all, readers.

Posted in Miracles | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

What is True?

Posted by Amanda Gray on December 30, 2012

“I have done this thing, and it is this I would undo.” I was just reading that line in the Course this morning. My lesson today is to see that I have been trying to make this body valuable, but that the only value the body has is its use – like a pointed stick pokes, or a hard rock hammers.

As the body ages, gets sick, becomes weaker and weaker, fatter and uglier, the stronger is my urge to prove it’s usefulness. Is it only the belief that I AM a body that must prove itself? If I’m not a body, what am I? If I don’t use this body or those other bodies ‘out there’ to punish and hang guilt upon, what are they for? If “I am only here to be truly helpful,” what is ‘truly’ helpful besides the doing of a body? The truth of this physical world – that this body is, ultimately, entirely expendable – is like choking a bitter pill down a dry throat. Anger yields to grief. And that is why we don’t want to see this awful truth. It hurts.

Yet, can this be the whole truth? The body must yield to spirit… grief must yield to love… mustn’t they?

And with this small light of hope I look into my mind and ask again, “What is true?”.

Posted in Sex & the Body | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off

Following Inspiration

Posted by Amanda Gray on October 4, 2012

I spent nearly 3 months this past summer at the Living Miracles Monastery in Utah, USA.  Since my arrival, in May, I haven’t been inspired to blog.  An early lesson at the monastery taught me that I had been attempting to use writing to separate ‘true’ thoughts from ‘untrue’ thoughts.  A Course in Miracles teaches that an illusion is an illusion, full stop.  Therefore, no thought is true.

Spirit moves via inspiration, not thinking.  So, while I haven’t been inspired to write, and make lengthy stories out of a lot of blah blah blah, I have been inspired to make short videos.  Below is a link to my most recent creation – a music video – that, we might say, somewhat encapsulates my experiences at the monastery.  If you’re particularly keen, you may also notice other videos on my AnagramDay channel that were created while I was at the monastery.  Mostly, they’re videos of our ‘project days’ in which we prepared for the Strawberry Fields Forever Music Festival and Enlightenment Retreat at the end of July.  Enjoy!

 

________________________________________________________

If you find this website helpful, please donate.

Donate

Posted in Video Blogs | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off

Acceleration

Posted by Amanda Gray on April 19, 2012

Zippy! Zoom!

It’s a common idea among spiritual students, at least the ones in my circle, that a retreat begins the moment one commits to it.  This has certainly been the case before I’ve gone on retreats in the past and it’s been particularly noticeable for the past few months since I decided to attend a retreat that will begin in two weeks.  My lessons have accelerated and deepened.  There haven’t been the kind of startling revelations that usually inspire me to write a blog post, but it’s more like I’m swimming in this gentle pool of ideas that are shifting, swirling, inviting, welcoming.

The first thing that’s been going on is that I’m looking closer at my sleeping dreams and my waking dreams, and rather than examining the details of a particular dream, I’m considering the activity of dreaming as a whole.  One of the things I learned early on about my night dreams, is that when I was lucid, I seemed to have the capacity to “change the channel” of the dream, but I had no control of what would occur on the next “channel”, nor was I able (except once) to stop dreaming and wake up.  This is similar to my experience in waking dreams (the ‘real’ world) in that I can make a decision to change my life situation – a new place to live, a new job, a bigger house, a different boyfriend, etc. – but I can’t predict the outcome of that decision, nor, no matter how much I try, can I stop the dream from continuing.  Every time I open my eyes from a sleeping dream, a waking dream begins.  Therefore, dreaming, as a whole, is an activity that seems to proceed outside of my control.

This morning, upon waking from my sleeping dream, a thought arose: I’m still believing that I’m the hero of the dream.  Usually, my sleeping dreams revolve around the central character of “me”.  I might be an observer of the dream, like watching a movie where the activities of the characters have no effect on the “me” character, or I might be a participant in the dream, where the activities strongly affect the “me” and provoke the “me” to feel things and act in various ways.  There’s almost always a sense of urgency in the dreams in which the “me” is a participant, and fear is often the central emotion.  Sometimes, the observer “me” is outside of the body I would normally recognize as myself. 

Comparing this experience with my waking dreams, it’s very similar.  In the ‘real’ world, I identify myself with this body – mostly inside this body, but, on occasion, outside it – and the activities in my life situation provoke various feelings and actions. I can choose to stand back and observe the world or I can get involved as a participant.  In both dreams, waking or sleeping, I’m the hero.  No matter what happens to the other characters in the dream, I only care what happens to the “me” character.  I want only positive situations and pleasurable feelings to happen to the “me” character, and I act defensively if negative situations, or uncomfortable feelings, are happening to the “me”.

Which brings me to another idea that’s been shifting around in my consciousness: competition.  I never considered myself a particularly competitive person.  I’m not interested in sports or games, nor do I care who wins or loses in these types of situations.  Yet, if two pieces of pie were being served in a restaurant and I received a tiny piece, while someone else received a gigantic piece, I would be steaming mad!  If someone buds in front of me in a line, I would openly complain and verbally attack them.  Why is this?  Because I feel attached to this particular body, as the hero of the story, and I compete with others to ensure this body’s (perceived) gains and defend against its (perceived) losses.  The competitive feelings arise when I’m making a comparison of two things and perceive that something unfair is occurring.  If, instead, I realize that this body is no different from that body, that both are meaningless forms in a meaningless dream, then all impulse to separate, individuate, and compete is meaningless too.

Which then brings me to the idea: I must think I can create myself.  A few weeks ago, I was thinking about the beginning of my spiritual search 10 years ago when I completely abandoned my acting career. For some reason, at the time, I decided that acting and spirituality were incompatible and I totally tossed the baby out with the bath water.  For 10 years, while I focused on the self-concept of “spiritual seeker”, I rejected the self-concept of “actor”.   So I realized that there was a huge, for lack of a better way to express it, actor “energy” that I had been repressing.  I can’t help but notice that the repression of this energy in my waking life merely pushed it to express itself regularly in my sleeping dreams (see A Night at the Improv).  Reclaiming the actor energy, I experienced a strong desire to act again… specifically, to do improv.  Shortly following, I received a very clear instruction to put together an improv workshop in my town and invite one of my improv friends to come and teach it. 

I immediately set about all the preparations – renting a space at the school, placing advertisements in the local paper, hanging up posters – and the workshop is supposed to take place two days from today… except that… no students have called to register.  Huh.  Well.  That’s disappointing.  Why would spirit instruct me to set up this workshop, if it’s not beneficial for others to participate in?  Was I mistaken with the instruction?  Finally I asked spirit to help me see the situation differently. 

I realized that I was just attaching myself to self-concept again and that I needed to see beyond the borders of ALL self-concept.  A self-concept reflects the desire to create oneself in a particular image.  Which means that I must first believe that I CAN create myself… attaching myself to this particular body, defining what I want it to do, and then creating a situation that will satisfy whatever objective I defined.  Creating self also means I must assume the boundaries and limitations of my specificity, as it excludes other possibilities.  What happens if I take off all the boundaries?  What happens if I don’t call myself a “spiritual seeker,” or an “actor,” or a “body,” or even think of myself as the “hero” of the story?

Was the workshop arranged solely for the purpose of my awakening?  Was it a dream arranged only so I could recognize my faulty idea of self?  So I could see that I’m not inside the “idea” of “me”… or even “inside” the “me” character… or even “inside” a dream?

The dream continues… but if I’m not the hero of the dream, what am I?

________________________________________________________________

If you find this website helpful,
please donate.

Donate

MPower Movie

Posted in Dream Interpretation | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off

Slippery, Slippery

Posted by Amanda Gray on March 14, 2012

This morning, I’m on crack.  Not literally.  I only use that phrase to describe a quality of feeling.  The ideas that came to me this morning are so out-of-the-box that they induce a feeling that’s sort-of like intoxication.  The revelations are so ephemeral, so “slippery”, that the mind can’t grasp them, and so it’s orientation becomes rather “spacey”.

I’m just going to write how it came to me, and you can make heads or tails of it as you like.

I began on page 312 of the Text of A Course in Miracles, The Holy Instant and Special Relationships.  It says:

The holy instant is the Holy Spirit’s most useful learning device for teaching you love’s meaning. For it’s purpose is to suspend judgement entirely. Judgement always rests on the past, for past experience is the basis on which you judge. Judgement becomes impossible without the past, for without it you do not understand anything. You would make no attempt to judge, because it would be quite apparent to you that you do not understand what anything means. You are afraid of this because you believe that without the ego, all would be chaos. Yet I assure you that without the ego, all would be love.

The past is the ego’s chief learning device, for it is in the past that you learned to define your own needs and acquired methods for meeting them on your own terms.

I saw this as the way in which I create boundaries.  For example, I’ll give another this much cake, but not that much cake.  Then, the lesson goes on to say:

Yet you had judged against yourself first, or you would never have imagined that you needed your brothers as they were not. Unless you had seen yourself without love, you could not have judged them so like you in lack.

Then, to the next section on page 314, The Holy Instant and the Laws of God:

You have so little faith in yourself because you are unwilling to accept the fact that perfect love is in you. And so you seek without for what you cannot find without.

And:

God is an idea.

And:

In the holy instant you recognize the idea of love in you, and unite this idea with the Mind that thought it, and could not relinquish it.

Then I began to write about my experience:

I judge the ego/body of myself, guilt arises, then I project the guilt and judge the ego/body of another. I’m believing that because I’m sometimes selfish or annoyed, etc., that it makes me weak or incomplete. That I somehow need to fix myself, or another. I’m believing that the presence of selfishness casts out the presence of perfect love/God. But what if these IDEAS can and do co-exist? It’s only my DECISION to make “selfishness” a “bad” thing and keep it separate from “love” which is a “good” thing. I’m creating these arbitrary boundaries because I think I know something about what’s good & bad, what’s ego & Self.  HA!

I can have an IDEA that I’m a person, separate from other people, and project that idea into physical form to give it some authority of reality. Yet, if “ideas leave not their source“, then the projection can’t be ”real”. It just seems so, especially if I keep choosing that idea over another idea – perhaps this – that we’re all created by and out of LOVE, so that we’re not separate “people” at all.  And if that idea comes from God, then it hasn’t left its source and we’re all still IN God. If “God” and “me” and “you” are all, simply, IDEAS, then we’re all the SAME. There’s nothing to JUDGE between!

I create separation and boundaries by judging ideas. In improv theatre, it’s called “blocking.”  Improv becomes very difficult if someone rejects ideas offered by their team-mates.  The flow of the improv is interrupted and the audience feels disappointed when an idea isn’t followed through.  As I’ve personally experienced, it’s also internally disruptive and feels terribly awkward.  Back then, I didn’t understand what was going wrong.  In fact, I just blamed my team-mate for doing a bad job.

Here, now I also understand the Course lesson, “I do not know what anything, including this, means.”  It’s because when I use judgement to arbitrarily separate ideas into categories of “good” and “bad”,  accepting some and rejecting others, this only separates me from source.  If I see it, instead, that I don’t know what these ideas MEAN, then I don’t attempt to categorize, I can just accept them all.  Perfect love means perfect acceptance.  If I accept that perfect love is within me, even when I’m feeling greedy or arrogant or angry, then I can accept the truth in the moment, however it arises, and STILL welcome it with LOVE.  In myself, or in another.

The Course says, on page 316:

In the holy instant God is remembered, and the language of communication with all your brothers is remembered with Him. For communication is remembered together, as is truth. There is no exclusion in the holy instant because the past is gone, and with it goes the whole basis for exclusion. Without its source exclusion vanishes. And this permits your Source, and that of all your brothers, to replace it in your awareness. God and the power of God will take Their rightful place in you, and you will experience the full communication of ideas with ideas. Through your ability to do this you will learn what you must be, for you will begin to understand what your Creator is, and what His creation is along with Him.

Ok… too slippery.  Too much… have to stop thinking about it now.

________________________________________________________________

If you find this website helpful,
please donate.

Donate

Leap! Finale

Posted in Judgement & Acceptance | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off

I am Here Only to be Truly Helpful

Posted by Amanda Gray on March 9, 2012

A Course in Miracles

Thus begins a prayer from A Course in Miracles, in the Text on page 28.  I’ve been considering this phrase a lot recently.  What does it mean to be TRULY helpful?

 A few days ago, I travelled to the city with my mom.  When we arrived, I dropped her off to spend the night with her sister, while I went to stay the night with friends from my meditation group.  The next morning, I arose early and picked up mom to take her to three appointments.  At first, I thought I would be early enough to grab a quick chai latte, but an unexpected traffic jam delayed me.  Then, I was angry that we had to crisscross half the city to go from one appointment to another, in no reasonable sense of driving order.  Also, it was snowing and the road conditions were less than optimal.  Grrr.  Well, from there, the whole day just spiraled down into more feelings of anger, arrogance and blaming.  I could observe what was happening, and I took responsibility for it, apologizing to my mom several times, but I couldn’t seem to shake the negative attitude either.  The verbal attacks that sprouted from my mouth like a bunch of thorny weeds – aimed at, pretty much, any excuse I could concoct – felt like it was completely out of my control.
 

As I thought about the day later on, I wondered why I hadn’t remembered some lessons from the Course, designed for these very situations.  I could have used, “I am not upset for the reason that I think“, or “I do not know what anything, including this, means“, or, failing to recall precise lessons, I could still have just stopped and prayed at any point.  Any words would have been fine, but I didn’t do it.  Instead, I let the negativity grow and grow, until I sucked my mom into its insidious gravity so we were both in bad moods, and then I juiced the situation for every drop of dark satisfaction I could get.  The bottom line is that I WANTED to juice that negative energy.  But WHY???

It was really hard for me to understand the underlying motivation of it, so I used a technique that Adyashanti recommends: to talk to the anger.  Anger said that it didn’t want to do things it didn’t want to do.  It didn’t really want to help my mom.  It was too much trouble to do all that driving, especially when there was nothing in it for ME.  Anger only wanted what benefited its own selfish little self!

So, somewhere along the line that day, I went into resistance about helping my mom, and then I couldn’t help but operate out of the internal conflict.  That’s why it felt so “out of control”.  Resistance occurs when we’re doing something we don’t really want to do – or not doing something we really do want to do.  Doo-doo-de-doo, de-doo-de-doo-doo.  If I would’ve just been honest with myself, as rude and embarrassing as it is to admit the truth, the whole negative condition would’ve melted away.  If I would’ve allowed myself to feel how I felt, been OK with it, then I could have made an active and free CHOICE to help my mom anyway.  At that point, feeling fully engaged and positive about the choice I was making from an honest place of power.

This morning, while I was doing the dishes, thoughts of complaint and blame arose again.  Right away, instead of trying to ‘figure out’ why I’m so bitchy about dirty dishes, I just surrendered and asked spirit to see it differently.  I admitted that I truly didn’t know why the dirty dish conflict kept rising in my mind, and I dropped the whole problem into silence.  And, from silence, the answer came.  I could see that it was the same issue as the travel day with my mom.  Oh, for Pete’s sake!  For so long, I danced around the issue because I didn’t really want to see the truth.  It’s not just about being frustrated at chaos – although that may be part of how I was perceiving it – it’s more about being selfish.  It’s hard to admit to being THAT selfish.  After all the things my mom does for me, totally unconditionally, why don’t I have the same generosity toward her?  No, my helpfulness definitely comes with conditions.

I was watching Nadia G’s Bitchin’ Kitchen yesterday (she’s like a female Andrew Dice Clay and she kills me!) and she said that she’s an only child and that she’s grown up used to doing everything she wants for herself.  Yup.  Me too.  She made me laugh about it, which was good, so today I can look at this monumentally selfish beast that I have been and I can forgive myself. 

The truth is that I don’t know how to be unconditionally helpful.  I don’t know how to do things for others without expecting a quid pro quo…

… BUT I AM WILLING TO ASK FOR HELP.

________________________________________________________________

If you find this website helpful,
please donate.

Donate

A Course in Miracles - The Movie

Posted in Authority & Forgiveness | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off

Chaos Theory

Posted by Amanda Gray on February 25, 2012

Photobucket

 

It follows that after my dream about Fragments, I would continue to explore the theme of order/chaos. It’s manifested, most noticeably, in an issue with dirty dishes.

Last year, for a short time, I had a job in a hospital.  I performed in a food service capacity in which washing dishes was a significant part of the work. I did three training shifts with a partner, which went well, then I worked one shift on my own. Suddenly, I hated the job, and I immediately sent an email to my boss to say that the position wasn’t suited to me and to ask if there was an alternative. Kindly, the boss scheduled me to work at the nursing home instead, in, pretty much, the same capacity. Again, I worked with a partner for three training shifts, and then I worked two shifts on my own.  Although I couldn’t understand the problem, I again felt like I didn’t want the job.  Fortunately, it was a casual position and after turning down two subsequent shifts, they stopped calling me to work.

As much as I tried to come up with a justification for rejecting the job, nothing really explained the foreboding feeling that arose whenever I considered it.  What was that terrible feeling?  It wasn’t a horrible job.  I was entirely capable of handling the work. Yet, I just couldn’t motivate myself to do it.

Many months later, I picked up some extra shifts with my current employer, as a waitress. Again, I had to handle dirty dishes, and, again, the same strange, dark feelings arose. When I finished my schedule, I immediately turned down all further waitressing shifts.

Now, for the past several weeks, I’ve been having conflicts with my mom over the dishes at home. The other day, I totally flipped out about it, and I was so angry, I had to lie down to calm myself.  I could see that the anger was, specifically, about the mess I thought mom made in the kitchen when she cooked and I accused her of using too many dishes to accomplish the meal. “It’s not that I don’t want to DO the dishes,” I told her later, when I felt more conciliatory, “it’s the MESS that I can’t stand. It makes me NUTS!”

So, there it was. Over the past year, I could deny the issue by avoiding jobs with dirty dishes, but now it was hovering over me like a beast in my home, and I had to face it. Still, how was I perceiving the dirty dishes as some kind of threat?

Yesterday, as I drove through town, I noticed a number of people breaking traffic laws. Then, at a town dinner, a weird guy budded in front of me in the buffet line. What was the common theme in all this? Breaking the rules? Disorder?

This morning, the order/chaos lesson brought all the situations together:

  • Order, harmony, rules, clean, peace.
  • Disorder, conflict, chaos, mess, dirty, war. 

I had been believing that I had to control all exterior disorder to feel safe in the world. If a situation became too messy or chaotic, I would feel helpless and out of control. Help was often offered – at the hospital, nurses and were willing and available; at the restaurant, my boss and the cook helped me; and, at home, my mom helped – but I didn’t WANT their help. The help just made me feel worse!  It was like I wanted to HIDE the mess, and if I accepted help, it meant that: a) I was unsuccessful at hiding the mess, and, b) that I was too weak to fix the mess by myself. Going a step deeper, I realized that I was experiencing this exterior chaos because I felt chaotic/conflicted within. I wouldn’t be trying to fix a ‘problem’ of disorder in the world if I didn’t think I had an intrinsic LACK of order in myself. Can chaos be real? Was I created as a chaotic mess? Is there a war within me? No, these ideas can’t be real. The universe is friendly, harmonious, peaceful, orderly. How could I be different?  I have it on good authority that “I am still as God created me” (A Course in Miracles)… so how is it logical that God created chaos here?

I had been using ‘order’ as an ‘idol’.  An ‘idol’ is something I believe will make me ‘complete’ instead of simply accepting natural completion as I am in spirit. It’s a way of enforcing an illusory ’gap’, a separation of subject/object, in what is already perfectly unified. I denied true completion and true unification and, instead, played a game of “I’m not good enough so I need to fix the mess in the world”. The ‘world’ – which is merely a projection – the deeper truth of which is the belief that I need to fix MYSELF.  That I need to, somehow, restore order in myself.  That I need to reconcile the warring parties in my mind.  Can it be done? No, because I’ve never been out-of-order! There are no warring parties.  There is NO conflict in my mind. It’s total nonsense! I had believed in a phantom.

And, *poof*, it’s gone… because it never was.

________________________________________________________________

If you find this website helpful,
please donate to support my work.

Donate

Save On The Deal of the Week!

Posted in Ego & Self | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off

Fragments

Posted by Amanda Gray on February 14, 2012

Watercolor/Pastel.Title:Rahway

I had this dream a couple of days ago:

- I’m in a workshop of sorts, inside a big warehouse.  There is clay, moulded into flat squares on a table.  There are boxes of other materials too, metal and plastic shapes.  As I look at these materials I start to think about using them to make something.  I start to look for specific kinds of materials in specific shapes.  Then I think that the materials belong to my dad.

Interpretation:

Upon awakening, I realized how silly it was to take all those random materials and apply meaning to them, in rather random ways.  Does the mere presence of these materials indicate that I must do something with them?  Why do I think I need to create something out of them?  None of the materials resembled anything that ever belonged to my dad, so where would that random idea come from?  Perhaps it’s like what the mind does with random fragments in the world too, applying meaning, or doing, or ownership where there, truly, is none.  The materials are also neatly sorted into boxes, indicative of the minds’ tendency to keep things separate, organized and controlled.  What would happen if I dumped all of the pieces together in a big, chaotic mash-up?  Hmmm….

I had another dream this morning that was also full of fragments.  These fragments were, supposedly, from my theatrical past – old scripts, sheet music, photos, and other ornamental memorabilia.  I looked through this stuff to find the lyrics of a song because there was contention throughout the material and in my ‘memory’ about the last verse.  After I awoke, I could see that nothing in the dream was representative of my ‘real’ past in any way.  It was all totally random and imaginary, yet my dream character accepted it as ‘real’ and made up stories about it to further attest to its ‘reality’.

Can I apply these dream messages to my waking life?  To perhaps see that even what I consider a ‘real’ past is also made up of random, imaginary fragments that only continue to seem real because I continue to make up stories to validate it?

In A Course in Miracles, text page 602, it says:

"It is not they [the senses] that hear and see, but you, who put together every jagged piece, each senseless scrap and shred of evidence, and make a witness to the world you want.  Let not the body’s ears and eyes perceive these countless fragments seen within the gap that you imagined, and let them persuade their maker his imaginings are real."

Far out, man.  Deep.

________________________________________________________

If you find this website helpful, please donate to support my work.

Donate

Posted in Dream Interpretation | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

 
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 301 other followers

%d bloggers like this: